It was my birthday and I was all alone. No there was no hoo-ha. No huge celebration. Just me and my 4 walls. Am I a failure for not having anyone around me on my big day?
To think about it, I do feel like I ditched most of my friends. I just wanted my space. My time. Maybe I took a lot of it, that I rarely spent any time with any of them.
Sitting here all I can feel is emptiness, feels like I have failed in terms of socializing, a little depressed and all bombarded with lots of feelings which can't be explained easily.
What happened? Did I miss a huge part of my life? While others are partying with their friends, why am I all alone here? Did I forget to spend some time with family and friends that I am stranded all alone on my special day? What happened?
To think of it, I am not wrong. I did miss a huge chunk of my life, "friends". I have been missing it and sacrificing it since 2011 and I will never deny it.
All because I wanted one thing in life. F O C U S.
I just wanted to focus and friends have always been a distraction in my life. Can see why I have only one friend in my life? Meena. Yes, she is always there as my well-wisher and she knows my robotic ways well.
Then I slowly remembered why I ditched them at the very first place. I will not say ditch honestly. I kind of avoided them. Any parties I will not go and if there are any plans, please count me out. In fact, they know very well that I will say, "please count me out" so they won't even count me in.
Coming back to why I avoided them. In 2011 when I thought I can't do something, I put my entire focus on achieving it, then I was able to overlook the distractions. It was me, the book and first class distinction.
In the year 2016, again I was in a mess and I ditch every single temptation and put my full focus on one thing. Here I am, Crappy Blogger known by many. Why? I avoided distractions.
Hard to deny. the distractions in 2018 is rather a complicated one. Basically fell into a doom. Let's just say I can't get worse than this as I am impaired physically and mentally now due to one hell of a distraction.
Now back to the earlier stage of life.
1. Did I miss a huge part of my life?
Maybe but that just means I was busy working on my future.
2. While others are partying with their friends, why am I all alone here?
Partying with their friends is what they would have wished for. Being with me on this beautiful day is what I wished for deep down. Just because others are partying doesn't mean I have to do the same. I should do what I prefer to do best.
3. What happened?
I forgot my roots. I forgot why I avoided my friends first of all. I forgot my focus. I forgot why I started this journey. I forgot who I was all along. I started seeing others and I started comparing myself with them. Why they are drinking the whole night and having so much fun on their birthday and I am in my room with my pyjamas on my birthday? By comparing I forgot me as a whole person.
The problem starts when we are lost. When we are clueless to why we are feeling certain things. We tend to forget who we used to be. Being Crappy Blogger means a lot of things. losing her mind is not one of it.
I might be lost now but I will find myself soon. I am not going to lose this game. Enough of them, the distractions. It's time to sort things out for me and show myself what I am capable of.
Any distractions can take a seat and rest there for good. You're not needed in my journey of reaching my goals.
Another thing to remember, when you're depressed, lost or clueless on what to do with life, follow this motto
1. You can't pour water out of an empty glass. Make sure your glass is at least half full. *You can't support your family when you can't support your own self.
So work till you're happy with your bank balance and when you know you can keep your family happy. Till then avoid distractions.
No comments