Depression…..
it just eats you up from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over. The worst thing is to know that my friends were
doing all they could yet I still felt so lonely. Anything that was said to me, I managed to turn into a bad thing. I was literally my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so exhausted from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was a nightmare. I would get so frustrated because it seemed impossible to sleep as if insomnia and depression go hand in hand.
I knew I needed help but asking for it just made me feel like a burden. I wanted to be free of doctors, counsellors, hospitals and negative thoughts. I felt as if I had lost myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again. I had no motivation to do anything because I couldn't see a future for myself. Anxiety caused me to believe everyone was faking their love for me especially when my own best friend left me because of my anger ness. I felt even worse because someone I shared my ups and downs left me. My family members know about my anger problem but they still tolerate and it leads me to anxiety and goes to depression. Because of this act in 2018, I should have completed my degree but I couldn’t finish my FINAL YEAR PROJECT and delayed my degree. My parents thought was careless and not interested in studies already but the truth I was having this problem I couldn’t share to anyone. Every day was a battle for me to survive with my emotions and a loud voice on my head.
I wanted everyone to know how I felt but I didn’t dare tell them. Eventually, I just isolated myself in my room because no contact with people meant nothing could go wrong, surely?
At the moment I rely on medication and I am grateful to have it because I know it has really helped me. At the same time, I balance the wish that I could be free of it with the fear that it might lead to a relapse. The scariest thing about my whole recovery process is that the only person who can truly help me is me. I have learnt to change my thought processes and stop bullying myself, it's a habit that's been hard to break but I know I've made some positive changes. And then one of my friends gave me “The Law of Attraction” book where the magic happen without unknowingly. I started to read this book every day where how the universe created. And I started to be on the healing process.
Not to say that I’m completely recovered still yet, “because depression is like the weather” it ain’t going anywhere still inside us. 2018 till now it’s a roller coaster ride and admittedly one with more lows than highs. I feel I have been to hell and back but would I change what I have been through? If I was to be totally honest I don’t think I would. That doesn’t mean that depression is a good thing because it definitely isn’t, but I believe you must turn your negative experiences into positive ones if you can.
If I hadn't been through these things I wouldn’t have learnt that the most important thing in life is to be happy. If I was to give one piece of advice to others who are struggling, it would be not to suffer in silence. There are people out there who have been through everything that you are experiencing and have come out on the other side. In fact, their experiences have made them who they are today. It may seem impossible to overcome but believe me, you will get there.
You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do because depression is an illness like any other, it isn’t any more self-centred than having a broken leg. I was always told to show myself the same respect and concern that I would show for others.
-ARTINEE KRISHZ-
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